Envying Prayers

I am trying to balance polar opposite emotions. My wedding is in a month. And my grandma is dying.

I'm having trouble finding a happy medium with my emotions so I've kinda been on an emotional roller-coaster for the past few weeks. I go from extreme excitement and joy to frustration, sorrow, and tears. It's been rough. I envy prayers. Not just for my grandma and for my family, but I am selfishly requesting prayers for myself.

I want to enjoy this season of my life. I am so blessed and so thankful that God brought the perfect man into my life. I don't want the wedding planning and even the wedding stress to slip by. I want to feel it, remember it, cherish it. But at the same time, I can't bear to think that in the midst of my excitement, if God chooses to take my grandma home to be with Him, I will forever regret that I didn't spend enough time with her and didn't cherish her.

I find myself asking God "Why?" a lot these days. I'm struggling with knowing that His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and that His ways are higher than my ways (Isaiah 55:8). I am struggling because I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. To be honest, I don't even see the end of the tunnel. I feel like no one understands. I feel like I'm walking through this tunnel alone. I know that isn't true, I know I have a strong support net, I know I am loved. But sometimes, I just don't feel it.

I envy your prayers. So much.

"Beware in your prayers, above everything else, of limiting God, 
not only by unbelief, but by fancying that you know what He can do. 
Expect unexpected things 'above all that we ask or think.'" 
Andrew Murray

This entry was posted on Mar 7, 2013 . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 . You can leave a response .

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