I am trying to balance polar opposite emotions. My wedding is in a month. And my grandma is dying.

I'm having trouble finding a happy medium with my emotions so I've kinda been on an emotional roller-coaster for the past few weeks. I go from extreme excitement and joy to frustration, sorrow, and tears. It's been rough. I envy prayers. Not just for my grandma and for my family, but I am selfishly requesting prayers for myself.

I want to enjoy this season of my life. I am so blessed and so thankful that God brought the perfect man into my life. I don't want the wedding planning and even the wedding stress to slip by. I want to feel it, remember it, cherish it. But at the same time, I can't bear to think that in the midst of my excitement, if God chooses to take my grandma home to be with Him, I will forever regret that I didn't spend enough time with her and didn't cherish her.

I find myself asking God "Why?" a lot these days. I'm struggling with knowing that His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and that His ways are higher than my ways (Isaiah 55:8). I am struggling because I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. To be honest, I don't even see the end of the tunnel. I feel like no one understands. I feel like I'm walking through this tunnel alone. I know that isn't true, I know I have a strong support net, I know I am loved. But sometimes, I just don't feel it.

I envy your prayers. So much.