Do you ever feel so desperate and helpless where the only words that come to mind are "Lord, help!"—when you know there's nothing you can do on your own strength?

Motherhood often brings me to the most humbling position—on my knees. (I say that only figuratively. I mean, let's be honest, I'm usually sitting on the sofa breastfeeding.) Life is new, life is different, life is exciting! A new baby brings in many new joys but also many new challenges. I've realized, now more than ever, that I am terrible at balancing my time, that I have no clue what I should prioritize, and that I often end up neglecting my own needs so I can coddle my baby. I don't want to spoil him, but I'm not exactly motivated to bathe when my baby is screaming from teething pain and just wanting to be held. There goes my shower, there goes my chance to eat, and there goes any hopes of making my house look liveable (at the very least).

Today was Craig's first day back at work after the Christmas holidays. I assumed I'd be productive, but my assumption couldn't have been further off. I've done nothing today. My brain wont focus. I tried to read; that didn't work. I have a whole list of things I need to do around the house; I've done none of them today. Something about this waiting game, waiting for baby to arrive who knows when, is making my brain feel like mush. I am so excited, nervous, and anxious! I want Baby to come early because, let's face it, no woman is comfortable at 36+3, but I also want my mom's wish to come true and Baby to wait til she arrives in England. Thank God I'm not in control of the timing! But, my goodness, how slow this month feels already! 

My friend Rachel posted a really good blog post on New Year's Day. I absolutely 100% agree with everything she wrote so I figured I'd share it with my friends here!

"...in 2015 I want to focus on the important things. I want my time with the Lord to dictate everything else in my life. I don't plan to set a list of resolutions that I can't keep- instead I want to just re-determine in my heart to keep my eyes on Jesus. To have that be the priority in my life so that all other smaller desires will work themselves out. To not aim for perfection but just for a consistent relationship with God, a deeper devotional life, more time in prayer and the anticipation that God can and will do great things!"

Looking forward to see all God has in store for 2015!

I've been struggling with something lately. The fact that Facebook is no longer a social network but has become a place where people share links to articles and then get into arguments with people they haven't seen for 10+ years really is starting to mess with my head. 

What is the purpose for this?

Do we really need another forum where we can argue?

Should I just start deleting people?

Several of my friends have suggested to me in the past that I should delete all the argumentative people from my friends list and move on. The purpose of Facebook is to stay connected with friends and people like that are unnecessary in fulfilling that purpose. They make a valid point. But I can't help but wonder if God has placed Facebook in front of me in order that I might use it as a platform to share Him with others. If I immediately delete those people whom I disagree with, I'm only walking into a "Christian bubble" and blocking my witness. But then again, am I really going to change someone's worldview by something I post on Facebook?

I don't know what I should do. Opinions? Suggestions?

This week has proven to be the most memorable week of pregnancy thus far. Sunday afternoon, I started feeling some lower back pain. I didn't suspect anything because I know random aches and pains are common during pregnancy. But then by the time I went to bed, they had gotten a lot stronger. I took some Tylenol and managed to get about an hour and a half of sleep but then woke up with an unbearable pain. After what felt like only a few brief moments, I was on a stretcher in an ambulance and on my way to the hospital with a suspected kidney infection! The paramedics gave me some Paracetamol, but the pain relief only lasted for about an hour—the drive to the hospital was the best I felt! Before I knew it, I was sitting in the hospital getting pricked and poked, waiting for some answers, and then the pain returned. All I wanted was some relief!

The answer I received was different than what I was expecting. Actually, I don't even know what I was expecting. But after being given some codeine (thank the Lord for strong painkillers!), I was told I'd be admitted into a room and would most likely have to stay overnight. What a day of firsts! I rode in an ambulance for the first time and then I was staying overnight in a hospital for the first time. I was also spending my first night away from Craig since we got married. That was the part I was most sad about.

By the end of the day, I was hoping they'd change their minds and let me go home. After all, I had already had my kidney scan and was told the results were in. All that was needed was a doctor to go over the results with me. But by 7pm, visiting hours were over, Craig had to leave, and no doctor was available. The more I sat there, the more I had time to think, and after a bit of moping over missing my husband, I had a realization that I was blessed. God has been SO good to me. Being in the hospital ward in a room with sections separated by curtains, I was able to hear a lot. It was a humbling experience.

The lady to the left of me was diagnosed with preeclampsia. She was only 34 weeks pregnant but was scheduled for an emergency cesarean on Thursday because her baby was measuring small and wasn't very active. By the time I was discharged on Tuesday, her cesarean had been bumped up and she had already been taken to pre-op. The lady across from me was an even sadder case. She was an epileptic so she had delivered her baby reeeeeally early. The whole day, she was crying because she wanted to be with her baby. The midwives kept telling her she needed to pump her breastmilk so they could feed her baby human milk which is crucial when a baby is as premature as hers. But, of course, when a woman delivers a baby as early as she did, her body won't produce the necessary amount of breastmilk. Because of this, the midwives told her that they'd have to resort to donor milk if she couldn't pump enough. This only made her cry more and more saying things like "I don't want another woman to feed my baby!" in the midst of her sobs.

As I laid there in my bed hearing all these sad stories that surrounded me, I felt out of place. My problems seemed far too minimal compared to the other women. It was then that I began counting my blessings. Blessing #1: Craig. The biggest blessing in my life. The perfect answer to all my prayers. My lover, my best friend, my helpmate. Blessing #2: Baby Walker. A true joy already—even before his arrival! Alive, healthy, active. If I made a exhaustive list of all my blessings, the list would be too long to read! God has truly been good to me. 

I was discharged from the hospital at noon yesterday. Rather than the suspected kidney infection, it was only fluid retention in the kidneys caused by the growing uterus pressing on the tube between my bladder and my kidneys. Rather than a foreign infection caused by a bacteria, it was a more minor infection caused by fluids already in my body. I don't fully understand the science behind it, but the doctor explained to me that it was the reason for my extreme pain and placed me on antibiotics to hopefully fix the problem. He also explained to me that this was quite common in pregnancy especially for women my size and gave me a box of the magical pain killers to take home along with my antibiotics. Thank the good Lord for modern medicine!

I am praising God that the problem was so minor. I am so thankful that our baby is fine and doesn't even seem to be phased by this! I am thankful for doctors that know what they are doing and for the medicines they provide. And I am thankful to be back home with my wonderful husband!

Hahahahahaha I just can't stop laughing. THIS is why I love(d) CBU and the professors there! :)

Well, well, well! Is God teaching me patience and trust and thankfulness or what?!

Last week, when my 20 week ultrasound was postponed from Friday to this Tuesday, we were definitely disappointed. It ruined our plans. We had planned to have a gender reveal party on Sunday but that couldn't happen if we weren't going to know the gender of our baby til Tuesday. After a bit of wrestling with the Lord, I felt a peace about it. I knew that God was in control.

Fast-forward to Tuesday (yesterday). Craig and I went in for my appointment. When we first walked into the room, we told the sonographer that we didn't want her to tell us the gender of the baby but we wanted her to write it down instead. She responded letting us know that that wouldn't be an issue because she has to write it down in the notes anyway. She proceeds with the scan checking all the important things on the baby. Everything that she saw was normal and healthy, but the baby wasn't being ultra cooperative so she couldn't see the its lips and cerebellum. Because of that, she said that they'd have to reschedule me to come in again for another scan. I think that it was probably at that point where she flipped on her grouchy switch. We reminded her that we wanted her to write down the gender of our baby but then she freaked out and said that it wasn't a 100% and she couldn't write it down for us. My frustration level started rising because we had already postponed our gender reveal party once before and I didn't want to have to postpone it again. But she just wouldn't budge. She said she'd have to ask her supervisor so she escorted us out of the room, completely forgetting to even ask us which pictures we wanted. We sat out in the waiting room for a few minutes before her supervisor came to inform us that it was against hospital policy to tell the gender of the baby seeing as it is just a guess anyway. My frustration was at the max now. I just couldn't understand the fact that they wouldn't tell us.

Later that day, I did some research and discovered that this is a common NHS practice. Some hospitals have a policy where they don't tell the gender of the baby. I guess that's why the sonographer freaked out about writing it down. Writing it down would make it more definitive that just casually saying it.

I am hoping and praying that in two weeks when I go in again, I get a different sonographer, someone who is more laid back than this woman and that they are willing to flex with this policy and let me know. Even if it comes down to Craig and I finding out on the spot and not being able to have a gender reveal party. Not for planning or preparation purposes—we are doing everything gender neutral anyway—but for peace of mind. I have never been a fan of surprises. And I don't want to wish my pregnancy away by being so anxious for the arrival of my baby so I can know if it's a girl or a boy. I want to really enjoy the second half of my pregnancy and cherish it.

At this point, I don't know what God is doing. I don't know what He's trying to teach me and I don't know why He's causing all these plans to not work out. I trust that He IS teaching me something though. Even yesterday, Craig pointed out that in the midst of our frustration over not finding out the gender of our baby, we had failed to even thank God for the fact that our baby is alive and healthy. We allowed a little thing to steal our joy when we really should have been soooo extremely thankful that God has already answered one of our biggest prayers by keeping our baby healthy. Right then, we stopped our little pity party and thanked the Lord for His goodness towards us.

And that brings me to a place of even more thankfulness—thankfulness over having a husband that turns me to Jesus when I am frustrated, thankfulness over having a husband who recognizes that God is constantly showering us with blessings. I've heard it said before, "When you feel angry, just start thanking God and watch your anger fade away." This couldn't be more true.

Who am I to make a fuss over something so minor as a canceled gender reveal party?!

Thank You, Lord, for being so good to me. Thank You for giving me a husband that loves You. And thank You for giving us a baby. Thank You for keeping our baby alive and healthy. Thank You, in advance, for the lessons learned in [small] trials like this. And thank You for caring enough about us to even want to teach us useful lessons. 

I Will Follow by Vertical Church Band

For the past few days, I kept on smelling gas in my house. I would walk over to the stove, smell it, and then walk away thinking I was going crazy because I couldn't smell it anymore. Today, I smelled it even stronger. I didn't think much of it until I started feeling lightheaded because of it. I decided to follow the smell. I followed it to a side cupboard we have in our living room, the same cupboard that houses the gas meter.

In a state of panic, I called Dave since I didn't think it would be enough of an emergency to call Craig's school. He suggested I call Gary, our plumber friend across the road. Thank the Lord for accessible people!

Gary came over and easily diagnosed the problem. We have a gas leak—one that's apparently been going on for some time now! I had been texting Craig updates the whole morning and we both were left saying only one thing: Praise the Lord!

Praise the Lord our house hadn't burned down!
Praise the Lord neither one of us passed out from the fumes!
Praise the Lord for friends and neighbors that are so helpful!
Praise the Lord that a repair is just a phone call away!
Praise the Lord that a repair is free!

God is so good to us. This could have easily ended badly. But instead, it just left us praising!

People often ask me, "Since you are an only child, were you spoiled growing up?"

Of course I was spoiled! My parents didn't need to divide their money between multiple kids. I pretty much got most of what I asked for. I don't think I was a brat about it, but there's really no way around being spoiled when you are an only child.

My family isn't wealthy but now that I am married, I can see that we were actually better off that I thought we were. My husband is one of four children. The way he grew up was different. Fancy toys were a treat to them, not a norm. So many times when we are watching movies, I see a character with a toy and proclaim, "I had that!" to which my husband replies, "I didn't." I'm realizing now that my upbringing often is a barrier between me and my husband. Not that it causes us to argue, but it definitely made transitioning to marriage a bit harder. It's challenging to learn in your mid-twenties that you can't have everything you want. It's challenging to have to budget so tightly when it comes to grocery shopping. It's challenging to hold back from making a purchase when an item is on sale when you know you will want it/need it in the future.

Marriage is teaching me a lot about money. It's teaching me that I need to rely on the Lord for His provision and that money doesn't grow on trees. It's also teaching me to trust in my husband. The Lord has given him the role of being head over our household. I know that he works hard to provide for us and I know that by God's grace, we will live comfortably.

There are days when I wake up so hungry for the word—I can't even bring myself to make breakfast before opening it up. (And believe me, for a person like me, that is HUGE.)

Then there are days like today, days like every single day this week, when I find myself so distracted by petty things around me. The internet, Netflix, and my never-ending piles of email—neither one of those things is evil in and of itself. But when they distract me from the Lord, they become evil.

A friend of mine posted a blog saying that she was taking a "selah" from blogging and then went on to describe the word. In the book of Psalms, Selah meant a pause or a rest, a state of meditation on the good things the Lord has done. Contrary to her, I find that blogging is often my selah. I love putting into words the good things God is doing in my life. I love sharing the joy that the Lord has given me.

Lord, please help me to be on fire for You. I want to be a wildfire, so contagious that people want to hear what You are doing in my life. Give me a hunger and an appetite for You and for Your word, so that I want it right when I wake up.

There's a new photo challenge going around these days. The purpose is to make people feel happy. The claim is that taking pictures for a hundred days in a row of things that make you feel happy will actually keep you feeling happy. The idea is genuine, but something is missing.

What is happiness apart from the Lord?

"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit'—yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." -James 4:13-14

You are a mist. Your life is a mist. Basically, we are nothing apart from the Lord—and that goes the same for our happiness. But "do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10b).

All that to say, I am not slamming this photo challenge. Go ahead, take pictures for a hundred days in a row. But don't be surprised when you don't find fulfillment through it.

"Maybe you shouldn't go to Creationfest...that's where all your drama starts!"
Those words came out of a friend's mouth tonight. My initial reaction was defensiveness, but then I thought, is God trying to tell me something. Is it strange that all my drama (which always deals with my biggest struggle) begins on a missions trip? Is Satan attacking me to weaken my ministry?

The funny thing is, I typed this on November 4th, 2011. I don't even remember which friend it was that told me that, but I definitely remember the drama that she was talking about. Ironically, this was the same year I met my husband. In fact, we stated dating about 3 weeks after I typed this out. God sure has a sense of humor! He teaches me time and time again how His plans are wayyyyy better than mine. Hopefully someday I'll learn to trust the Lord FULLY with my dreams and desires.

Thank You, Lord, for constantly blessing me even though I have such little faith and am so undeserving. 

We all make mistakes, no? Then how can you look at someone so harshly and ridicule them for apologizing for their mistakes? Jesus said to take the plank out of your own eye before pointing out the speck in someone else's eye (Luke 6:41-42). Isn't your very condemnation of someone's apology the plank in your eye? You say that this person has done their fair share of judging in their lifetime and that they should leave the judging to God...but in saying that, aren't you judging them? You claim  that you are praying that they "move forward and out of this," but are you actually praying for them? Why do you have so much ammunition against this person? Why have you researched so much that you know all the faults of this person you aren't even a fan of? 1 Thessalonians 5 says to encourage and build each other up, but everything I have heard from you thus far has been tearing down not building up. Love is patient, love is kind, love does not envy. Love is not proud or rude. Love is not self-seeking and is not easily angered. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13.) Rather than holding on to our anger and hate, we as Christians should be loving towards one another. We should love one another as Christ loved us (John 13:34). As the old song says, "And they'll know we are Christians by our love." Satan will have a harder time attacking when there is a united front.