Here I am in England. I can't believe I am living here now. It is both a dream come true and still a dream. I got here a little over two weeks ago and it is still surreal. Now, I'm not one typically to get homesick but today I feel homesick. My grandma went home to be with the Lord yesterday.

I found out today via facebook.

I hate being the last to know family news. I hate being so far from my family during this hard time. I hate feeling helpless and useless. I want to hug my mom. That's all I want.

I know my grandma is in a better place. Heaven gained a saint today and precious in the sign of the Lord is the death of His saints (Psalm 116:15). She is in no more pain and she is fellowshipping with Jesus. Though I am sorrowing for myself and my family, I can do nothing but rejoice for my grandma.

On Sunday, December 5th, 2010 I posted a blog sharing a bit of my heart. I had a strong desire to move to England.

God, in His divine wisdom, has granted me that desire a little over two years later. One month from today, I get to hop on a plane with my other half—a non-roundtrip flight for the first time in my life.

Funny how God saw it fit to grant me that desire in the way I saw least likely and even joked about! God is so good!

I am trying to balance polar opposite emotions. My wedding is in a month. And my grandma is dying.

I'm having trouble finding a happy medium with my emotions so I've kinda been on an emotional roller-coaster for the past few weeks. I go from extreme excitement and joy to frustration, sorrow, and tears. It's been rough. I envy prayers. Not just for my grandma and for my family, but I am selfishly requesting prayers for myself.

I want to enjoy this season of my life. I am so blessed and so thankful that God brought the perfect man into my life. I don't want the wedding planning and even the wedding stress to slip by. I want to feel it, remember it, cherish it. But at the same time, I can't bear to think that in the midst of my excitement, if God chooses to take my grandma home to be with Him, I will forever regret that I didn't spend enough time with her and didn't cherish her.

I find myself asking God "Why?" a lot these days. I'm struggling with knowing that His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and that His ways are higher than my ways (Isaiah 55:8). I am struggling because I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. To be honest, I don't even see the end of the tunnel. I feel like no one understands. I feel like I'm walking through this tunnel alone. I know that isn't true, I know I have a strong support net, I know I am loved. But sometimes, I just don't feel it.

I envy your prayers. So much.

It's all in the Lord's hands now.

I submitted my visa application. Completely. Everything is sent off. Tomorrow it should be at the British Consulate. If you think of it, please pray!

Lord, help me not to worry. Help me to completely trust that your timing is the best timing.

Feeling as though I had neglected the Lord for some time, I felt guilty to dive back into spending time with Him. That is, until my wonderful, godly fiancé convinced me to do so before we even FaceTimed for the day. Lord, thank You for Craig!

I opened up Frances Roberts' Progress of Another Pilgrim and the words screamed out at me.

I did this last year and thought it would be fun to do it again! Check it out! These are all the books I read this year!

1. The Poetical Works of George Macdonald, Volume 1 - completed January 14
2. Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney - completed February 1
3. Leaving (Bailey Flanigan Series) by Karen Kingsbury - completed February 3
4. Gazelles, Baby Steps and 37 Other Things Dave Ramsey Taught Me about Debt by Jon Acuff - completed February 14
5. Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin - completed March 8
6. Learning (Bailey Flanigan Series) by Karen Kingsbury - completed March 25
7. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins - completed May 6
8. Longing (Bailey Flanigan Series) by Karen Kingsbury - completed May 19th
9. Loving (Bailey Flanigan Series) by Karen Kingsbury - completed June 23rd
10. Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together by Mark Driscoll - completed December 12

On the bright side, I have all the time in the world to wedding plan.
On the bright side, I don't have to hide the fact that I am leaving the country in 116 days.
On the bright side, I have extremely loving and supportive parents who wont leave me stranded.
On the bright side, no more having to deal with a work computer that is stuck on an operating system from the past.
On the bright side, no more having to update the TJX Product Book!!!!!
On the bright side, I have the most loving, encouraging, supportive, God-fearing, romantic, perfect fiancé.
On the bright side, my friends are super encouraging as well!

I got laid off from my job last Wednesday. Friday was my last day. While it was shocking, now that I've had time to think about it, I can see how God is making the best out of this situation. I am referring to it as my premature unemployment. I was planning on quitting mid-March but God had a better idea in mind.

I'm learning to submit. Learning to be willing. Learning that I don't have it all figured out. Learning that God is above me. Learning that His ways are higher than mine. Learning that when I'm on His team, even what seems bad is actually good. He has only my best interest in mind.

Lately, God has been revealing His goodness to me in innumerable ways!

I'm recognizing more and more how good He ALWAYS is in spite of my flaws, failures, and weaknesses, and in spite of my lousy faith.

Craig and I have been stressing over money lately. Don't worry, we take turns stressing, so we aren't that much of a mess! Haha! One of my biggest sources of money-related stress has been regarding my wedding dress hunt. I had this idea in my head that I couldn't find a dress for less than $1500. I had done my share of researching and all the ones I liked were around that price. I would pray that God would bring an amazing deal right to me, but every time I did "worried math" in my head, I'd always do it as if I were paying for a $1500. So much for trusting God to bring me a good deal!

This past Thursday, I bought my dress! And not only was it the perfect dress, it was a small fraction of the price I was imagining! God provided even though I was praying faithlessly!

This has happened multiple times in our wedding planning process. Hopefully my faith grows a little!