It just hit me.

I am a housewife. I cook, I clean, I wash dishes, I watch some netflix, I read a little, etc.—all while my husband is at work. I am a cliché. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it though. It's nice being domesticated.

Yesterday, I received an email saying that my shipment of stuff that I had sent from America had finally cleared customs. Soon, I will have all my things and it will feel even more normal being at home all day. I have mixed feelings though. I can't decide if this is something I want for my future or if I want to eventually get a job. It's weird to me that I haven't had a job since December. It feels a bit like I am mooching off my husband. I could use some prayer; I've never been the best at making big decisions.

Either way, I am open. If God wants me to be a housewife for the rest of my life, I am fine with that! And if God wants me to go out and get a job, I am fine with that as well!

Alright God, You're so quick to respond. And for that I say thanks. 

God is teaching me to become more merciful. Noisy neighbors are definitely helping me learn to do that.

It's as if they followed me all the way from little old El Monte, California.

WHY?!

I keep reaching for the tv remote so I could lower the volume. Oh wait, I can't lower the volume on my noisy neighbors. Someone, please make them SHUT UP! I just want to be able to think for a moment.

I am so sick of loud music. Do you ever find yourself re-reading the same sentence over and over because you can't seem to grasp what it says? Welcome to my world. Do you ever get the most annoying songs stuck in your head and wonder how they even got in your head in the first place? Welcome to my world. Do you ever have to raise the volume on your phone because you can't hear what the person on the other line is saying even though you are home alone? Welcome to my world.

God, I don't know if You are trying to teach me patience or are just trying to grow my character. Either way, I don't know how much more I can handle. I feel as though I am losing my sanity! Please grant me some days of silence. 

Here I am in England. I can't believe I am living here now. It is both a dream come true and still a dream. I got here a little over two weeks ago and it is still surreal. Now, I'm not one typically to get homesick but today I feel homesick. My grandma went home to be with the Lord yesterday.

I found out today via facebook.

I hate being the last to know family news. I hate being so far from my family during this hard time. I hate feeling helpless and useless. I want to hug my mom. That's all I want.

I know my grandma is in a better place. Heaven gained a saint today and precious in the sign of the Lord is the death of His saints (Psalm 116:15). She is in no more pain and she is fellowshipping with Jesus. Though I am sorrowing for myself and my family, I can do nothing but rejoice for my grandma.

On Sunday, December 5th, 2010 I posted a blog sharing a bit of my heart. I had a strong desire to move to England.

God, in His divine wisdom, has granted me that desire a little over two years later. One month from today, I get to hop on a plane with my other half—a non-roundtrip flight for the first time in my life.

Funny how God saw it fit to grant me that desire in the way I saw least likely and even joked about! God is so good!

I am trying to balance polar opposite emotions. My wedding is in a month. And my grandma is dying.

I'm having trouble finding a happy medium with my emotions so I've kinda been on an emotional roller-coaster for the past few weeks. I go from extreme excitement and joy to frustration, sorrow, and tears. It's been rough. I envy prayers. Not just for my grandma and for my family, but I am selfishly requesting prayers for myself.

I want to enjoy this season of my life. I am so blessed and so thankful that God brought the perfect man into my life. I don't want the wedding planning and even the wedding stress to slip by. I want to feel it, remember it, cherish it. But at the same time, I can't bear to think that in the midst of my excitement, if God chooses to take my grandma home to be with Him, I will forever regret that I didn't spend enough time with her and didn't cherish her.

I find myself asking God "Why?" a lot these days. I'm struggling with knowing that His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and that His ways are higher than my ways (Isaiah 55:8). I am struggling because I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. To be honest, I don't even see the end of the tunnel. I feel like no one understands. I feel like I'm walking through this tunnel alone. I know that isn't true, I know I have a strong support net, I know I am loved. But sometimes, I just don't feel it.

I envy your prayers. So much.